Intuition - the Brain's Ability to Sense Things with One's Backside :)

In the mornings, traditionally leafing through the press, I have for some time been making a point of reading the last page of Diena, where Egīls Zirnis jokes. As a result, a number of fine sayings have accumulated - sayings that on reading make you want to smile at yourself, at life in general, and at life in Latvia. Here I have collected some excerpts from "Zirnis Jokes" that seemed truly witty and have stuck in the memory:

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Earning money nowadays isn't hard. What's hard is getting paid for it.
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Don't rush to do good deeds. Good deeds should be done slowly, so that they are noticed and appreciated.
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If it weren't for women, men wouldn't be so funny.

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Russia is the only country in the world that protects its citizens only on foreign territory.
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The choice of one Christian God in place of hundreds of ancient Greek and Roman gods is the most effective downsizing of an administrative apparatus in human history.
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A good education is one that allows you to achieve great success in life without ever having to put it to use.
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Dear God, make it so that all my calories accumulate in my chest!
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Nothing creates as many problems as efforts to improve one's life.
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Don't curse the weather - if it never changed, nine out of ten people would be unable to start a conversation.
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Man is made for happiness, just as a chicken is made for broth.
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I don't remember bad things. I have to write them down.
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How do you rule over the world without the men in white coats taking notice?
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- The vibrator I bought from you is giving me electric shocks!
- Shocks you? That means it loves you!
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- Hi! How's it going?
- Why do you ask? We live in the same country.
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At first, right was on our side - but then they found the rebar.
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Why does the body always find the most comfortable sleeping position after the alarm goes off?
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Don't forget that small children left unsupervised quickly become small parents.
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A notice on toilet paper: "Unroll before use."
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Only what doesn't sink in water swims into your hands by itself.
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If children didn't ask questions, they would never find out how little their parents know.
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On the street, an older gentleman has angrily grabbed a young man by the ear: - I'll show you how to have your way with my daughter, I'll show you! Young man: - No need, I know perfectly well how...
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Why can you buy a washing machine but have to marry the ironing?
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Judging by TV commercials, television is watched by pitiable people plagued by dandruff, frequent urination, and heartburn, living in homes with malodorous toilets and mountains of dirty dishes in the sink.
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Intuition - the brain's ability to sense things with one's backside.
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Scientists thought for a long time about how to denote frequency, but couldn't come up with anything. That's why they write Hz.
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Your life is a success if the cognac you are drinking is older than the woman you are sleeping with.
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Boxer Nikolai Valuev has been accused of doping, but so far no one has dared to inform him of this.
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A woman is like a footballer - she lies there, groans, and you're left wondering whether she's faking it.
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The mortality rate in Latvia is the same as in other countries: one person - one death.
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I loved her so much that I was ready to give her everything - but she only took the money.
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If dogs started to talk, people would lose their last friends.
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A polite person, having told someone to go to hell, will definitely call afterwards to enquire how they got there.