What Muse Has Bitten You? :)

Continuing the collection of witty sayings from the "Zirnis Jokes" column of the newspaper "Diena", I offer another batch of quotes.

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Never trust a woman who states her age. A woman capable of such a thing is capable of anything.
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I feel so good when my husband is beside me... I said: beside me!
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- Doctor, should I bring my slippers to the hospital? - What colour are they?
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- Holy Father, what will happen if I break one of the Ten Commandments? - There'll still be nine left.
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It's important not only to be in the right place at the right time, but also to be in the right position.
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Paper can take anything - but it's better to fold it in half.
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- Neighbour, what were you all doing so merrily over there yesterday? - Drinking. - What was the occasion? - Money.
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In general, I drink very little. But when I do drink, I become a different person. It's that other person who drinks a lot...
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A traffic officer stops a car and says to the driver: - Your documents, sir! - Why "sir" right away? - You're driving on the wrong side of the road.
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Every law-abiding and upstanding citizen has at some point in life felt the urge to kill someone without breaking the law.
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- Have you seen the dream about the end of the crisis? - No. - I highly recommend it, it's a wonderful dream!
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We are all born naked, wet, and hungry. And that's just the beginning...
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A bachelor is a man who arrives at work from a different direction every morning.
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A man should give a woman his seat on the tram - and ride beside her in the SUV.
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Life is like a dog sled. If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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At a certain age, the most pleasant thing about sex becomes the sense of having done one's duty.
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An invitation to a restaurant ends in sex more often than an invitation to sex.
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While we were complaining about life, it was already over.
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A law of physics: the heavier the thoughts, the greater the inertia - and therefore the harder they are to stop.
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Justice - when everyone gets an equal share, and you get a little more.
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"Never leave traces." - Anonymous.
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- What do you call people who don't eat meat? - Pensioners.
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If you want to get what you've never had, you must do what you've never done.
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We're falling so fast that soon we'll have reached the bottom of the crisis and will start digging.
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Why is a man with his face in the salad called an alcoholic, but a woman doing it called a beauty treatment?
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- How's it going? - At first it was going badly. Since then nothing has changed.
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Fifty per cent of grandmothers fake delight when they see their grandchildren.
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Telling your boss about your own cleverness is like winking at a woman in the dark. Telling your boss about his stupidity is like winking at a man in the light.
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One should live if only to see how it all turns out.
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If you have a wonderful wife, a fantastic mistress, a great car, no problems with the tax authorities and creditors, and when you step outside the sun is always shining and everyone smiles at you - say NO to drugs.
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Conscience - a quiet voice reminding you that you might be watched.
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We can't be led astray, because we don't care where we're going.
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How do you get Latvians to come back home from Ireland? Send one of our governments there to work - everyone will come running back soon enough.
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Being fired from work - a great opportunity to find out how much your other half loves you.
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Given my driving style, it would be foolish to worry about my cholesterol levels.
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Just because a person has money or breasts doesn't mean you can milk them.
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Advice for men: take out a loan - you'll find out what monthly payments feel like.
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In an experiment to find out what Latvians say when they step on a rake, it was established that 99.9 per cent of Latvians are Russians.
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In the past, an expensive car showed how much its owner earned. Now it shows how much he owes.
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A knee is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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A mere 90 per cent of politicians are ruining the reputation of all politicians.
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The Ten Commandments consist of 93 words. The US Declaration of Independence is close to 300 words. An EU regulation on the import of caramels - 25,843 words.
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The passport of Jānis Bērziņš, found yesterday, has today been returned to Alfrēds Klimzs in exchange for a reward.
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The subtext of the fable "The Crow and the Fox": it was only after losing the cheese that the crow gained freedom of speech.
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Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Knowledge of it is.
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Interviewing a millionaire: - What helped you become rich? - The conviction that money isn't the most important thing in life. - Did you start earning more when you realised that money isn't the most important thing? - No, when I convinced my company's employees of that.
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You should go to an exam with a clear head - in many things, you'll be delving into them for the very first time.
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Usually girls get dolls and boys get nice toy cars. But that's only until the age of 17, after which everything reverses.
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My girlfriend always laughs during sex, regardless of what she's reading. (Steve Jobs)
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The path to a woman's refrigerator goes through her heart.
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Latin can be considered a dead language if for no other reason than that the more doctors speak it, the lower the patient's chances of survival.
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The ultimate degree of intoxication: waking up next to a stranger in a bowl of Olivier salad.
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If a man does nothing but eat, lie on the sofa, and watch television, it means he feels comfortable with you.
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A person only starts to believe in justice when fortune smiles upon them.
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Just because you can't lie doesn't mean you have to tell the whole truth.
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Why, if you talk to God, is it called prayer, but if God talks to you - schizophrenia?
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What muse has bitten you?
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Objective reality is the hallucinations caused by a lack of alcohol in the blood.
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Nostalgia is what remains of what never was.
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The optimist is interested in life; the pessimist - in its meaning.
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If you connect the dark past with the bright future, you get the grey present.
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A sex bomb never falls in the same bed twice.
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A mistress - proof that a husband has too much free time.
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Alcohol doesn't help solve problems. For that matter, neither does milk.
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For feelings to last forever, the indifference must be mutual.
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If you want to know what others think of you, do something foolish.